between black and white

Inside me,
Is a woman. Screaming
To be let free.
But i am chained. Chained
By the demands of a society,
That slots the human species into
Black and white,
un-defining the grey
That defines me.

I struggle every day
Because I know that I no longer belong
To the sect that lifts its lungis in ease
To relieve itself on pavement walls.
Or slips a beedi in the mouth,
Teases women on the streets
Or declares itself the heir of tomorrow.

And the tears – the tears
Come so easily, flowing
At the rage and hate that surrounds
My family.

I feel woman. In every pore.
But no one agrees,
Let alone see.
It’s all in my mind, I am told,
‘Look at your skin – the hair on your chest
And your muscular shin.’
So, the exorcist arrives,
Says i have the spirit of my old
Widowed grandmother inside.
He says i must be chained and whipped.

I am.
But i still feel woman inside.

And then one night, i can bear it no longer,
I run away.
Run until i meet my own kind.
They take me and in one quick sweep,
My manhood is gone.
I am left to die.
Before i am reborn again.
Woman inside. almost woman, outside.
i am free. free. free.
only for the moment.

for when i rise from unconsciousness,
I am given padded clothes,
My nose is pierced, my chest cleaned.
And then, i am paraded along with the rest.
Begging people on the roads,
Screaming curses on those who turn their faces away.
But now, people are scared.
For the curse of our kind is potent enough.
we laugh. we believe we have the last laugh...

until..
They laugh in taunting whispers.
Behind our backs.
They call us ‘it.’ Not ‘she’. Not’ he’.
Not even ‘they’.
That is how we stand. No name,
No sect. Just ‘it’.
or at other times, vulgar names -
eunuch, hijra, transgenders....
nothing befits the trauma of my mind,
or the sufferings of my privateness.


so, here i am, the grey shade of humanity.
Still searching for a place between
The black and white,
Yin and yang,
right and wrong.
Man and woman.