i did. i did not.

Sorry.
I know it is a hopeless word
And that it cannot reverse
The kindness and care.
But listen to me just this once.
Even if it doesn’t matter anymore.

Sorry
For losing myself
To desperation.
For trying ways to keep you
With me, without
Ever finding out
How it must feel
To never know
Until the end.

For submitting you
To the trauma of cure
And all the sympathy
That came disguised
As tender care.
And not understanding at all
That it was empathy
You sought,
Not maudlin cries
Over furrowed brows.

For not asking you
If you would like
To be propped up
By the window
Not showing you hope
In the rising sun,
The beauty of the birds
And the open sky.
But instead,
Overpowering you
With concoctions of every kind,
In the hope that you will
Stay.

I wish
I could have
Known that it was the
Cure that evoked
The pain in your tears,
Instead of mistaking them
For gratitude.

I wish
I had known
That at times you just
Wanted to be free
And at others,
It was comfort
Of closeness, you sought.
But,
I chose instead to
spend those hours
In fervent prayers
To keep you with me.

Maybe,
if i had shown you
The starlit skies,
Your favourite tv shows and
Food for the soul,
I might have been lucky
To find solace
In that twinkle in your eye
Over decaying skin.

Sorry
For succeeding in
Willing your life
For my sake,
Albeit a while.
And in turn,
Watching you die.




this is the way i felt as i watched my father die. and then k's dad. both died because medicine couldn't do much. 2011 may